Roxas, a young boy from Twilight Town in Kingdom Hearts II, is an important video game character in my life. While my favorite character from the Disney-meets-Final-Fantasy fever dream of a series is his best friend, almost boyfriend Axel, Roxas is who I found myself thinking of when coming up with a new name for myself.

For a long time, if we were to share a server or exchange player tags online, you’d know me as “Kingwallster.” That is a bad name. Its only merit is that most people can figure out the spelling from saying it aloud, but past that it is unfitting and kind of obnoxious. I don’t like kings or monarchies. I have never once been called or asked someone to call me “wallster” in real life. It was a name chosen not because it meant anything, but instead was available and I was impatient to play a game. I’m not mad at my younger self for creating it, but such a transgression couldn’t slide again when I was 20 and had a blank piece of paper waiting for suggestions.

I had decided to start streaming, and knew a name I felt disconnected from wasn’t one I could see a chat repeating for hours. It didn’t need to encompass my whole person, but it needed to be me. I was going to (and still do) play and talk about games on Twitch, so I figured a nod to my favorite video game series Kingdom Hearts would work. The moment the series surfaced in my brain, a thought clicked into place like it was waiting for a cue: I should be a Nobody.

I didn’t mean it in a no-followers kind of way, although that was true at the time. Nobodies are real beings in Kingdom Hearts, and I kindly ask you to stick with me through this brief explanation of what they are. For those who don’t know, the series starts with a young boy, Sora, traveling across Disney worlds alongside Court Magician Donald Duck and Captain of the Royal Knights Goofy to find his friends Riku and Kairi. What ensues during the first game, and the twelve after, is baffling. So, I will stick to a simplified version of what’s most relevant here.

Let’s start with Sora ripping his heart out at the end of Kingdom Hearts. Not Mortal Kombat style, but it does take a short out-of-body vacation during the first game’s final hours. Losing your heart can create a Heartless: a dark, feral entity of negative emotions, born from the isolated heart, that has an insatiable appetite for violence and more hearts. For strong-willed folks, this same separation of heart from body can also create a Nobody with the left behind body. And if you’re particularly strong-willed, that Nobody will look like a human, speak like a human, fight like a JRPG human, and maybe even have human emotions. They might even add an ‘x’ to a rearranging of their original name (for example, Lea -> Axel) and join a group called Organization XIII.

Organization XIII is the universe’s most powerful pity party of black-trench-coat-wearing Nobodies. They are a group largely working from a place of defeat, believing they are incapable of emotions due to their lack of a heart. They view this absence as a curse to never be enough, to be doomed as lesser than without help from the all-powerful, literally undescribed Kingdom Hearts. At their leader Xenmas’ behest, the organization is on a mission to become full humans with the Kingdom Hearts’ unknown power, and they all will use any means necessary to attain that goal — except for Roxas, who joins late but abandons them early.

When players first meet Roxas, they do not know he is a Nobody. And, neither does he. He lost that memory after leaving Organization XIII due to a conflict of interests. Rather than watch him kick Heartless butt, collect hearts, and get to know the other downtrodden Nobodies like in later entry Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days, Kingdom Hearts II starts off with you playing a young boy living his quiet life eating sea salt ice cream, doing odd jobs to get beach money, and laughing with friends. While the first few hours of this game are often called boring or confusing compared to its predecessor, and in fairness there’s truth to that, the emotional payoff wouldn’t be the same without them. Because alongside Roxas, we discover that this life is all a lie.

We see reality unravel around our false protagonist, learning his life was fake, the friends he made unreal, the problems he had manufactured. The boy learns that he is Sora’s Nobody, trapped in a simulation until Sora is put back together enough for this last, living puzzle piece to fit in. Our “real” protagonist is incomplete without Roxas. He is the key for what many people, including his captors, are waiting for. In short, Roxas learns he was being kept docile until the time came to forfeit his life and autonomy in exchange for Sora’s journey to continue. And after a few teary-eyed battles and a heart-breaking tantrum, we watch the boy do exactly that.

To this day, I still consider it one of the most powerful moments I’ve seen in a game. To watch Roxas slowly lose everything he knew and forfeit any future for a greater good shattered younger me. I had a hard time matching the cheer of Sora after he woke up, reunited with his anthropomorphic pals, and got right back to business traveling Disney worlds, saving lives, and looking for friends — not knowing the cost of his smile.

Given this tragic story and the general angst of Organization XIII, having a name referencing it felt weird at first. Not because it wasn’t relatable, I’ve frequently had a problem with feeling like I am enough or am doing enough. I have poured gallons into my own half-filled cup without noticing the self-punctured holes on the bottom. It’s that I didn’t want to define myself by a problem, especially one I was working on. Borrowing the naming convention could be cool, but was it subscribing to familiar, self-defeating behavior? Was it a sign I was giving up before even getting started? Where was my heart in this new venture?

I agonized over it for a while, and eventually realized how much of a disservice that would be to Roxas and myself. To be worried others would only remember what he, or I, wouldn’t be. To forget that we both keep growing. While Roxas’ tragedy has sat with me for almost two decades now, so has his persistence. In small ways, he makes himself known after his passing. A sudden tear rolling down Sora’s cheek. A wayward tug in Sora’s heart. The longing in Axel’s face anytime he looks at Sora. Despite his surrender, Roxas’ actions pre-death ensured he was no longer just a Nobody.

Fortunately for him, Kingdom Hearts is nothing if not loose with its interpretation of hearts, bodies, life, and death. In the epitome of better late than never, Roxas returns in the final hours of Kingdom Hearts III to join the smorgasbord of boss fights and special moves with the other heroes of light. Don’t ask me how, even I need to play Kingdom Hearts III again to explain that one. Just know that this time, he’s fighting with his own heart. While this series has jumps in logic that are outright frustrating at times, I find a lot of comfort in its message that hearts can be made, not only born.

Exalclaw has never been an attempt to abandon myself, but instead a recognition that someone different was needed from me. I’ve had the alias for over four years now. I’ve done okay with it, and would like to do more. I want to see Exalclaw continue building its own heart, and hope this blog becomes a big part of it.

Plus, Exalclaw sounds cool and is rarely taken. No numbers or dashes needed!